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AGE APPROPRIATE GRIEF REACTIONS Babies and young infants (under 2 years of age) Babies and young infants (under 2 years of age) Even at this age, a child will be aware that someone is missing to whom they are attached but will not understand the concept of death. They will experience the pain of the separation and have no language with which to express that loss. There will be a gradual realisation that this absence is permanent and the person is never coming back. The child will experience this as an unnameable fear or dread and they will begin to feel unsafe which can result in them fearing for their own survival. Adults can usually comfort the child if they are not too upset themselves but the parents’ emotions and those around them will affect even very young babies. The smell of a blanket or jumper of the person who has died will be familiar and comforting for the infant. Minimising the disruptions and maintaining a familiar routine around the home can help. This is obviously very difficult when the whole family is grieving as everyone will be affected to some extent and so the care of the younger child may well be disrupted, but a steady and loving environment will minimise the damage caused by the loss. As the child grows up, it will be important to talk about the person who has died and share the memories within the family. Back to top At this age, a child realises that something profound has happened but may only slowly be beginning to grasp the full reality of what death means and that it is final. They are used to watching cartoon characters miraculously be whole again after being crushed or blown up which can add to the confusion. They do gradually begin to realise that it means the dead person is not coming back and this threatens their safe and familiar world. If the death is of someone very important such as a parent, the child will go through a grieving process similar to that of adults. If their development until this time has gone well, they will have a reasonably secure picture of their loved ones inside of them – a sort of 'Mummy or Daddy' inside their minds’ – and this will help with the separation. If the loss is not of a close relative, they may be curious about what has happened but will just get on with everyday activities and absorb it as part of their play. They may regress in behaviour to that of a younger child and could begin to be agitated or restless at night or be afraid to go to sleep. They can often ask questions, which to an adult may seem morbid but they have a natural curiosity and need answers. It is important to spend time with your child and provide a secure, loving environment and simple, honest answers to questions. They may ask the same thing many times and you may find yourself constantly having to repeat the answers. A regular routine, particularly around preparing for bed at nighttime is very important. Back to top Children at this age are beginning to develop a more full understanding of life and death. The awareness that everyone dies, including themselves, begins to be understood. They may be more interested in the actual cause of death ‘Why suicide?’, ‘Why cancer?’ etc. If good support is not in place, a child may withdraw and be unable to express feelings. They may appear ‘stuck’ and unable to grieve and may even need professional help especially if the important adults in their lives are grieving too. It is important for an adult to share their grief with a child but not to offload onto them. This could lead the child to feel that there is no space for their own grief and it is also important not to rob them of their grief by saying things such as ‘I know how you feel’ as no one does really know. Children at this age are beginning to move away from home and family and make important relationships with people at school. The death of a person at home can throw them back to feeling unsafe and more dependant again. School can play an important part in helping the world to be a safe place with routine and structure, which is what children need and want. Back to top A teenager may be alternating between being so busy living life that they rarely stop to reflect deeply to being full of thoughts on issues of life and death. A significant death can make a teenager feel particularly thrown as they may be developing strong beliefs in their own future. Just as they are beginning to separate from the family they can then start to feel really insecure. This can draw them into:
As many of these are a normal expression of being a teenager, it may be difficult to know when help and intervention is needed. Peer support can be particularly important to them. If the young person is eating normally, sleeping, managing school and social life then it is probably safe to let the grieving process take its rocky course. They will need even more than ever to have boundaries and limits maintained. It is important not to make assumptions about what the person may need but they may find it useful to talk to someone outside of the family who is not in danger of feeling too upset or overwhelmed by what they need to say. |
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